Originally published in Spark* student newspaper 7th March 2011. In order to fit this article into it’s section It had to be edited, here you see it in its entirety…
"All-in-one idiot suit"
I am no fashion expert. Hence I am normally confined to the ranting, shouting opinionated regions known as the comment or debate section. But onesies, come on! Even I, with my middle-of-the-road Primark attire, can feel safe to condemn these as the worst fashion statement since Ug boots. For those not familiar with these ludicrous garments, a onesie is essentially a unisex romper suit or babygrow, the only difference being they are aimed at a slightly less mature clientele, us students. Having perused the wastelands of the Internet, I found many companies selling these all- in- one idiot suits and soon spotted a pattern. The more these companies seemed to be targeting students, the more expensive the onesie became. One site was selling them from between £90- £110!!!
I’m pretty sure fashion designers systematically try one daft idea after another in the hope that one will catch on. In a flamboyant act of desperation somebody, has struck it lucky with the onesie. We are now so highly evolved as a race. We will now pay vast amounts of money simply to look ridiculous. There are so many cost-effective ways of looking a numpty, the cheapest being to turn up at lectures nude. This is bound to work, unless you’re in the art department. To achieve comparative weirdness there, simply don’t dye your hair crimson and just wear jeans and a t-shirt. Then, life will imitate art and the Art student’s eyes will follow you around the campus, with a Mona Lisa gaze.
So much of our time seems to be spent looking back on previous fashion fads and scoffing. “Denim jackets, Lycra, camouflage, animal print, chainmail armour, the 90s were ridiculous!” But look how far we’ve come. We’ve advanced so much; we’ve gone backwards to what we used to wear before we could speak. It makes me wonder what is going to be fashionable next, nappys? Mind you I could have done with a nappy the first time I witnessed an army of students sized babies marching through town. I find these garments quite sinister. They remind me of the film version of George Orwell’s 1984, in which citizens go about their drab business clad in identical boiler suits. Some of you reading this will be thinking, “What right does this sanctimonious son of a sausage have to judge my fashion sense and bludgeon my freedom of expression? If I want to wear a onesie, I will, SO THERE!” Fair point. Yet I feel when you look back at photographs of yourself, romping in your expensive play suit, you’ll wonder why you didn’t listen to the sound advice from the pages of Spark*.
Do you agree or disagree with me? Either way post a comment below.
There seems to be a trend towards ‘comfort-clothes’ that try to convince us everything’s going to be OK, and that the world is snuggly and warm and completely devoid of twats. Except it’s not, because you have to be a twat to wear them. These ‘onesies’ seem to come from the same family as those joined-together slippers that they sell in the back of the Daily M**l (I saw a friend’s copy once,honest) and those snood thingies that footballers are so keen to wear to make them look sophisticated. I swear that in 10 years’ time, senior executives in the city will be taking comfort-blankets to work, and that Rupert Bear pyjamas will be THE thing to be seen in down the nightclub. Of course, you students are totally responsible because you always start these things as an ‘ironic statement’. Trouble is, the press then gets hold of it, they feature it on ‘The One Show’ and it goes mainstream. Where will it all end?
Forgot to ask: why is David Tennant’s thinner, younger brother wearing a baby-grow?
The Only thing wrong with these is the price! Students love to be individual, so at your next demonstration I think you should all wear these and scream at number 10. There you go problem solved , they surely would back down in sympathy. Have all the money you like for your education, don’t worry about paying your way or paying the system back! So spend 100 quid out of your loans for something that might keep you warm, instead of spending 100 quid on your next night out!
lol!
“students love to be individual” by wearing the same stupid jumpsuits? Surely a contradiction. I know students are meant to have a second childhood but a second babyhood is going a bit far. We would pay back their loans if only we could get jobs!