Originally published in Spark* student newspaper 4th February 2011
Nightclubs are ridiculous. Imagine nightclubs are yet to be invented. You’re sitting in the Board Room of “Bright Ideas Inc”. Some suit wearing bozo enters, flipchart under one arm and a smug look on his face, as if to say, “I’ve got a good one, guys!”.
The pitch begins “Basically, right, we’re going to get a load of very drunk people in one room. Before allowing them in, we make them stand outside in the rain, eventually let them in two by two, kind of like Noah’s Ark meets airport security. We then get them even more drunk at various bars around the room. Next, we’ll flash lights at them and play very loud music so any hope of rational conversation goes out of the window, not that there are any. The loud music should provoke some sort of movement reflex, encouraged by yet more drinks. After letting them writhe round for a bit, we end the night with them all being thrown out of the door”. Essentially, what is being proposed is a drunk factory.
Mind you, when you step back and detach yourself in this manner, everything seems ridiculous. A nice walk in the country degenerates into, “Well, I walked round and round some fields for two hours, got in the car and went home.” I’m going to bed is another good example. In reality “good night” equates to “I’m off to lie unconscious for eight hours on a piece of furniture specially designed for this purpose”. At least with sleeping, there is a medical/ scientific excuse for why it is not as daft as I’ve just described. However, when describing leisure activities, such as clubbing, we reach a new level of bonkers. Skiing- “I’m going to strap two fibreglass planks on my feet and go down a steep slippery mountain”, reducing a serious, respectable pastime to a frivolous act of silliness. In such a world, football can be held in no greater esteem than tiddlywinks.
We are hurtling around alone in the universe with no purpose or direction. So what do we do? We invent the pogo stick. This I consider wonderful. The pogo stick has to be the most impractical mode of transport since First Great Western. It must, therefore, only be good in itself, as a frivolous tool of enjoyment, a toy. Many an attempt has been made to give purpose to our existence, and I’m not going to dive too deeply into this debate, for fear of drowning. I find it refreshing that we engage in things purely for the enjoyment they give us, not because they bring in some higher end. The point of being pointless is, simple, for enjoyment. I mean, wouldn’t the pogo stick be boring if it saved electricity!